19 reasons why Pattaya is tough

Pattaya is the toughest city I ever visited in my life. There are murders going on all the time, killings, stealing, fights, teenagers beating on old whites. I mean is there a type of crime that you don't read about every week in local Pattaya newspaper?

Here is how tough Pattaya is:

• When I asked a policeman how far is to the bus station walking, he told me he doesn't know, till now nobody made it.
• Pattaya is so tough they have signs Drive fast, the life you might save may be your own
• It is so tough that in the library they have the sign shut the fuck up, that tough
• every time I close my window, some other guy fingers get caught in between.
• first time I moved to my apartment the neighbor told me to keep your front door closed. Dont open the front door till daylight. Daylight came the front door was gone. 
• when I went to buy a waterbed, another guy was floating in it
• you go to these Pattaya clubs, as you enter these places you go down two stairs physically and socially
• oh, boy Pattaya is tough, last week a new guy moved in, he was showing off new karate, he broke a brick with his hand, then they broke his hand with a brick...
• and the dentists in Pattaya, oh boy, my dentist found a new way to hide his bad breath, he holds up his arms..
• I told my Pattaya dentist my teeth are too yellow, he told me to buy a brown necktie..
• And my Pattaya doctor is weird too, I asked him is my heart strong enough for sex? He said not if I join in...
• And my Pattaya proctologist is another beauty, he used to be a photographer, every time he tells me to bend over he says cheeeeeese....
• My Pattaya doctor told me to keep smoking if I want to stop chewing gum....
• In my Pattaya neighborhood, nobody has no respect for the law. last week they raffled off a police car. There were still 2 cops inside.
• In my Pattaya neighborhood, even the cops are afraid. The police station is right on my block. Only police station I know the front door has a peephole in it.
• But one Pattaya cop is tough. Last night I saw him, he is tough. He fired three warning shots, into the guy he was warning. 
• There are more things in Pattaya I can't figure out. The streets aren't safe, the beach isn't safe, tuk-tuks arent safe. My Pattaya girl's kid goes to the toughest school in Pattaya. I had to go there last week, he was acting up. I went to see the guidance counselor. They told me he was out and will be back 1 to 3 years.
• Pattaya school is rough. I look in the graduation book. Each kid has two poses, one front and one profile 
• that is where I live, Pattaya. I live in an old building there you know. Much older building. I live in a kind of building when I take a shower I never get under it right away. First 5 minutes I get rust. And while I am taking a shower and somebody in a building takes a cold drink of water I get burnt. 
• I tell you when things go wrong in the apartment I get no help from the superintendent. He won't fix a thing. I am always looking for the super. He won't come up: Last week I tried to trick him. I told him to come over we are having a party. He said should I bring something? I sad yes, a wrench and your galoshes. 
• my superintendent in my apartment is super weird too. He told me to wipe my feet in my apartment before I go into the hall. 
• there is something else I don't like about my Pattaya neighborhood. They always come around asking for donations. Support different movements, drives, causes. Guy knocked on my door last week.  He told me how the Korean people need our help. And he said that if I give just 1 USD then Su GuK and his wife and 12 kids they could have rice for the whole year. And not only they can have rice for the whole year but kids will all get books and pencils. And Su Guk will get a new boat. And they can send 4 kids to college. ANd I told him I would be very happy to give Su Guk a dollar if he would show my Pattaya girlfriend how to stretch a buck that far.